\u00c9g f\u00f3r mj\u00f6g l\u00edti\u00f0 \u00ed leikh\u00fas \u00ed vetur. S\u00f3tti heldur ekki t\u00f3nleika e\u00f0a b\u00ed\u00f3 a\u00f0 r\u00e1\u00f0i og f\u00f3r ekki \u00e1 eina einustu myndlistars\u00fdningu. \u00c9g veit ekki afhverju, \u00fea\u00f0 var allavega ekki af \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 v\u00e6ri svo vitlaust a\u00f0 gera hj\u00e1 m\u00e9r.<\/p>\n
\u00c9g drusla\u00f0ist loksins \u00ed leikh\u00fas \u00ed g\u00e6r. S\u00e1um \u00feann lj\u00f3ta og \u00e9g ver\u00f0 a\u00f0 segja a\u00f0 m\u00e9r finnst \u00fea\u00f0 st\u00f3rgott verk. Vi\u00f0 bor\u00f0u\u00f0um \u00e1 Sj\u00e1varbarnum, \u00fea\u00f0 hef \u00e9g ekki gert fyrr en \u00e1 \u00f6rugglega eftir a\u00f0 gera \u00fea\u00f0 aftur.<\/p>\n
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Fyrir hvern \u00e6tli \u00e9g s\u00e9 annars a\u00f0 skrifa svona dagb\u00f3karf\u00e6rslu um ekki neitt? \u00c9g hef l\u00edti\u00f0 blogga\u00f0 undanfari\u00f0 og veit a\u00f0 m\u00ednir n\u00e1nustu halda a\u00f0 \u00e9g s\u00e9 me\u00f0 gl\u00e1s af \u00f3birtum ge\u00f0b\u00f3lguf\u00e6rslum sem b\u00ed\u00f0i \u00feess a\u00f0 \u00e9g geti sko\u00f0a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00e6r me\u00f0 s\u00e6milegri yfirvegun. En \u00fea\u00f0 er ekki \u00feannig. M\u00e9r finnst \u00fea\u00f0 undarlegt sj\u00e1lfri en \u00e9g hef bara ekkert s\u00e9rstakt a\u00f0 segja. Sm\u00e1msaman er \u00e9g a\u00f0 tileinka m\u00e9r sama yfirvega\u00f0a vi\u00f0horfi\u00f0 til sambandsslita og til dau\u00f0ans.<\/p>\n
Dau\u00f0inn snertir mig l\u00edti\u00f0. \u00c9g vildi gjarnan hafa \u00feann valkost a\u00f0 hitta f\u00f3lk sem skipti mig m\u00e1li en \u00e9g finn ekki fyrir \u00feessum n\u00edstandi s\u00e1rsauka og \u00f6rv\u00e6ntingu \u00feegar einhver deyr. \u00c6\u00f0ruleysi mitt gagnvart dau\u00f0anum truflar f\u00f3lki\u00f0 mitt og \u00fe\u00f3tt \u00feau \u00feori ekki a\u00f0 segja \u00fea\u00f0 vi\u00f0 mig (sem er skynsamlegt hj\u00e1 \u00feeim \u00fev\u00ed \u00e9g myndi b\u00edta hausinn af hverjum \u00feeim sem reyndi a\u00f0 kl\u00edna \u00e1 mig illa r\u00f6kstuddri sj\u00fakd\u00f3msgreiningu) \u00fe\u00e1 veit \u00e9g vel a\u00f0 s\u00edn \u00e1 milli tala \u00feau um \u00fea\u00f0 sem firringu, sem eitthva\u00f0 ofbo\u00f0slega \u00f3e\u00f0lilegt, eitthva\u00f0 sem beri vott um a\u00f0 \u00fea\u00f0 s\u00e9 eitthva\u00f0 miki\u00f0 a\u00f0 m\u00e9r. \u00c9g vi\u00f0urkenni a\u00f0 \u00fea\u00f0 er \u00f3manneskjulegt a\u00f0 kippa s\u00e9r ekki upp vi\u00f0 dau\u00f0ann. \u00d3manneskjulegt en ekki \u00f3e\u00f0lilegt, \u00fev\u00ed mannkyni\u00f0 er komi\u00f0 b\u00fdsna langt fr\u00e1 e\u00f0li s\u00ednu. \u00dea\u00f0 er ekki r\u00f6kr\u00e9tt og heldur ekkert s\u00e9rstaklega e\u00f0lilegt a\u00f0 sleppa s\u00e9r \u00ed ge\u00f0b\u00f3lgukast yfir einhverju sem er \u00fatiloka\u00f0 a\u00f0 ma\u00f0ur geti haft \u00e1hrif \u00e1. D\u00fdrin gera \u00fea\u00f0 allavega ekki og \u00fea\u00f0 eina sem virkilega greinir manninn fr\u00e1 \u00f6\u00f0rum d\u00fdrum er stj\u00f3rnsemin \u00ed honum. Ma\u00f0urinn er aldrei \u00e1n\u00e6g\u00f0ur me\u00f0 a\u00f0st\u00e6\u00f0ur s\u00ednar til lengdar. Hann reynir alltaf a\u00f0 breyta einhverju og \u00feegar \u00fea\u00f0 tekst ekki f\u00e6r hann frekjukast. Hann getur kalla\u00f0 \u00fea\u00f0 sorg en sorgin er ekkert anna\u00f0 en frekjukast, vanh\u00e6fni til a\u00f0 s\u00e6tta sig vi\u00f0 a\u00f0 ma\u00f0ur geti ekki stj\u00f3rna\u00f0 \u00f6\u00f0ru f\u00f3lki, ve\u00f0rinu e\u00f0a dau\u00f0anum.<\/p>\n
Lengi t\u00f3k \u00e9g h\u00f6fnun alveg hro\u00f0alega illa. Og ekki bara h\u00f6fnun heldur \u00f6llum \u00f3hei\u00f0arleika. \u00c9g skildi ekki hugleysi annarra gagnvart raunveruleikanum. Gat ekki s\u00e9\u00f0 l\u00f3g\u00edkina \u00ed \u00fev\u00ed \u00feegar f\u00f3lk laug a\u00f0 m\u00e9r. \u00c9g dr\u00f3 \u00fe\u00e1 \u00e1lyktun a\u00f0 f\u00f3lk k\u00e6mi \u00f3hei\u00f0arlega fram vi\u00f0 mig af \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 \u00fev\u00ed v\u00e6ri fjandans sama hvernig m\u00e9r li\u00f0i en ekki af \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 \u00fea\u00f0 v\u00e6ri jafn sj\u00e1lfl\u00e6gt og \u00e9g sj\u00e1lf. Skildi ekki a\u00f0 s\u00e1 sem laug a\u00f0 m\u00e9r \u00f3tta\u00f0ist sj\u00e1lfur h\u00f6fnun e\u00f0a d\u00f3m og taldi sig bara vera a\u00f0 vernda sj\u00e1lfan sig e\u00f0a jafnvel mig. Vi\u00f0komandi haf\u00f0i n\u00e1tt\u00farulega enga \u00e1st\u00e6\u00f0u til a\u00f0 \u00f3ttast af \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 \u00e9g var b\u00fain a\u00f0 SEGJA a\u00f0 \u00e9g \u00feyldi sannleikann og hann \u00e1tti bara a\u00f0 tr\u00faa \u00fev\u00ed. M\u00e9r fannst heimurinn vera a\u00f0 ri\u00f0a til falls \u00ed hvert sinn sem \u00e9g vissi ekki hvar \u00e9g haf\u00f0i \u00e1stvini m\u00edna og tr\u00fa\u00f0i \u00fev\u00ed hreinlega ekki a\u00f0 flestum \u00f6\u00f0rum \u00fe\u00e6tti \u00fe\u00e6gilegt a\u00f0 lifa \u00ed blekkingu og teldu v\u00edst a\u00f0 \u00fea\u00f0 sama gilti um mig.<\/p>\n
\u00cd dag veit \u00e9g a\u00f0 \u00feessi afsta\u00f0a m\u00edn var ekkert anna\u00f0 en stj\u00f3rnsemi. \u00c9g vildi geta stj\u00f3rna\u00f0 tilfinningum annarra. \u00c9g vildi a\u00f0 f\u00f3lk hl\u00fdddi m\u00e9r \u00feegar \u00e9g sag\u00f0i \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 \u00fea\u00f0 \u00feyrfti aldrei a\u00f0 \u00f3ttast \u00fea\u00f0 a\u00f0 segja m\u00e9r satt. \u00c1tta\u00f0i mig ekki \u00e1 \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 \u00fear me\u00f0 var \u00e9g a\u00f0 gefa vi\u00f0komandi r\u00f6kr\u00e9tta \u00e1st\u00e6\u00f0u til a\u00f0 tr\u00faa \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 \u00e9g myndi d\u00e6ma hann fyrir a\u00f0 s\u00fdna gunguh\u00e1tt sem hann kannski r\u00e9\u00f0i ekki almennilega vi\u00f0.<\/p>\n
M\u00e1li\u00f0 er a\u00f0 ma\u00f0ur getur ekki stj\u00f3rna\u00f0 tilfinningum annarra, hvorki \u00fev\u00ed hvort vi\u00f0komandi hefur \u00e1huga \u00e1 a\u00f0 vera \u00ed sambandi vi\u00f0 mann e\u00f0a ekki, n\u00e9 \u00fev\u00ed hvort hann e\u00f0a h\u00fan treystir manni, hefur hugrekki til \u00feess a\u00f0 uppfylla \u00fearfir manns fyrir hei\u00f0arleika e\u00f0a neinu \u00f6\u00f0ru sem fer fram \u00ed h\u00f6f\u00f0um manna. Ekki fremur en \u00e1st manns og sorg getur vaki\u00f0 dau\u00f0a til l\u00edfsins.<\/p>\n
\u00deegar upp er sta\u00f0i\u00f0 er sorgin \u00feessvegna gj\u00f6rsamlega tilgangslaus. Og \u00fea\u00f0 merkir a\u00f0 \u00e6\u00f0ruleysi mitt gagnvart dau\u00f0anum, og \u00ed dag gagnvart sambandsslitum er ekki merki um a\u00f0 \u00e9g s\u00e9 ‘firrt’ heldur er \u00fea\u00f0 \u00fevert \u00e1 m\u00f3ti s\u00f6nnun \u00feess a\u00f0 \u00e9g s\u00e9 \u00ed \u00f3venjulega g\u00f3\u00f0um tengslum vi\u00f0 raunveruleikann. \u00c9g er ekki s\u00e1tt vi\u00f0 vanh\u00e6fni m\u00edna til a\u00f0 stj\u00f3rna heiminum en \u00e9g er allavega me\u00f0vitu\u00f0 um hana. \u00dea\u00f0 er \u00ed sj\u00e1lfu s\u00e9r frelsi og m\u00e9r finnst frelsi\u00f0 gott. Og \u00feessvegna held \u00e9g a\u00f0 \u00e9g eigi aldrei framar eftir a\u00f0 upplifa sorg nema sem \u00feriggja e\u00f0a fj\u00f6gurra daga r\u00f6kr\u00e6\u00f0u vi\u00f0 sj\u00e1lfa mig um \u00fea\u00f0 hversvegna s\u00e9 tilgangslaust a\u00f0 reyna.<\/p>\n
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\u00c9g f\u00f3r mj\u00f6g l\u00edti\u00f0 \u00ed leikh\u00fas \u00ed vetur. S\u00f3tti heldur ekki t\u00f3nleika e\u00f0a b\u00ed\u00f3 a\u00f0 r\u00e1\u00f0i og f\u00f3r ekki \u00e1 eina einustu myndlistars\u00fdningu. \u00c9g veit ekki afhverju, \u00fea\u00f0 var allavega ekki af \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 v\u00e6ri svo vitlaust a\u00f0 gera hj\u00e1 … Halda \u00e1fram a\u00f0 lesa