{"id":16,"date":"2003-08-21T12:00:39","date_gmt":"2003-08-21T12:00:39","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.norn.is\/kyndillinn\/?p=16"},"modified":"2017-09-11T11:44:37","modified_gmt":"2017-09-11T11:44:37","slug":"vaelid-i-forraedislausum-fedrum","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.norn.is\/kyndillinn\/vaelid-i-forraedislausum-fedrum\/","title":{"rendered":"V\u00e6li\u00f0 \u00ed forr\u00e6\u00f0islausum fe\u00f0rum"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"bid\"<\/a>\u00d3ttalega lei\u00f0ist m\u00e9r v\u00e6li\u00f0 \u00ed forr\u00e6\u00f0islausum fe\u00f0rum sem halda \u00fev\u00ed fram a\u00f0 m\u00f6mmurnar banni \u00feeim a\u00f0 umgangast b\u00f6rnin s\u00edn. M\u00e9r finnst sj\u00e1lfsagt a\u00f0 vekja athygli \u00e1 vanda \u00feeirra fe\u00f0ra sem eru raunverulega hindra\u00f0ir \u00ed \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 vera me\u00f0 b\u00f6rnum s\u00ednum en \u00e1 k\u00f6flum minnir m\u00e1lflutningur forr\u00e6\u00f0islausra fe\u00f0ra \u00e1 bar\u00e1ttua\u00f0fer\u00f0ir feminista.\u00a0Ofs\u00f3knarkenndar fullyr\u00f0ingar um e\u00f0li og innr\u00e6ti helmings mannkynsins, f\u00f3rnarlambsv\u00e6\u00f0ing og ford\u00f3mar; \u00feetta eru \u00feau or\u00f0 sem koma upp \u00ed hugann.<\/p>\n

Stundum getur veri\u00f0 \u00e1st\u00e6\u00f0a til a\u00f0 takmarka umgengi<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Vitanlega eru til m\u00e6\u00f0ur sem l\u00e1ta hefndar\u00feorsta stj\u00f3rna ger\u00f0um s\u00ednum (og fe\u00f0ur l\u00edka) og \u00e9g er ekki a\u00f0 m\u00e6la \u00fev\u00ed b\u00f3t ef m\u00e6\u00f0ur s\u00fdna af s\u00e9r svo illt innr\u00e6ti a\u00f0 hindra umgengni f\u00f6\u00f0ur og barna. F\u00f3lk sem ey\u00f0ileggja samband barns vi\u00f0 foreldri sitt \u00e6tti sj\u00e1lfkarfa a\u00f0 d\u00e6mast vanh\u00e6ft til a\u00f0 fara me\u00f0 forsj\u00e1 \u00feess. En hva\u00f0 \u00e1 gott foreldri a\u00f0 gera \u00feegar hitt foreldri\u00f0 er vanh\u00e6ft?<\/p>\n

\u00c9g \u00feekki m\u00f3\u00f0ur sem neita\u00f0i a\u00f0 senda barni\u00f0 til pabbans um helgar fyrr en hann v\u00e6ri b\u00fainn a\u00f0 sigrast \u00e1 \u00f3stj\u00f3rnlegri f\u00edkn sinni \u00ed \u00e1fengi og hass. Ma\u00f0urinn var engan veginn f\u00e6r um a\u00f0 taka \u00e1byrg\u00f0 \u00e1 b\u00f6rnum. \u00c9g \u00feekki a\u00f0ra sem heimta\u00f0i a\u00f0 f\u00e1 barni\u00f0 heim um h\u00e1degi \u00e1 sunnudag til a\u00f0 l\u00e1ta \u00fea\u00f0 l\u00e6ra, \u00feegar krakkinn kom \u00ed \u00feri\u00f0ja skipti\u00f0 \u00ed r\u00f6\u00f0 \u00far helgardv\u00f6l hj\u00e1 pabbanum \u00e1n \u00feess a\u00f0 sk\u00f3lataskan hef\u00f0i veri\u00f0 opnu\u00f0. \u00c9g held n\u00fa a\u00f0 flestir hafi skilning \u00e1 m\u00e1lsta\u00f0 \u00feessara kvenna og \u00e9g g\u00e6ti tr\u00faa\u00f0 a\u00f0 fe\u00f0ur sem vanr\u00e6kja umgengnisskyldu s\u00edna s\u00e9u \u00f6llu umfangsmeira vandam\u00e1l en hefndarf\u00edkn m\u00e6\u00f0ra.<\/p>\n

\u00darr\u00e6\u00f0i eru til sta\u00f0ar<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Annars skil \u00e9g ekki hugsanagang \u00feeirra sem h\u00e6tta bara a\u00f0 umgangast b\u00f6rnin s\u00edn vegna \u00feess a\u00f0 m\u00f3\u00f0irin setur einhver f\u00e1r\u00e1nleg skilyr\u00f0i sem eiga s\u00e9r enga sto\u00f0, hvorki \u00ed l\u00f6gum n\u00e9 samkv\u00e6mt hef\u00f0. Vita \u00feessir vesalingar ekki a\u00f0 \u00ed landinu gilda l\u00f6g sem tryggja barninu r\u00e9tt til a\u00f0 \u00feekkja og umgangast b\u00e1\u00f0a foreldra s\u00edna? Vita \u00feeir ekki a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00f3tt reglur um l\u00e1gmarksumgengni hafi ekki veri\u00f0 l\u00f6gfestar, er sterk hef\u00f0 fyrir \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 forr\u00e6\u00f0islaust foreldri hafi barni\u00f0 hj\u00e1 s\u00e9r a\u00f0ra hvora helgi? Dettur \u00feeim \u00ed hug a\u00f0 nokkur ma\u00f0ur sam\u00feykki e\u00f0a sty\u00f0ji bullkr\u00f6fur svona kvenmannsvitleysinga?<\/p>\n

\u00c9g er ekki a\u00f0 segja a\u00f0 \u00fea\u00f0 s\u00e9 au\u00f0velt en \u00fea\u00f0 eru til \u00farr\u00e6\u00f0i gegn f\u00f3lki sem vanvir\u00f0ir r\u00e9tt barna og foreldra til umgengi. \u00dea\u00f0 m\u00e1 t.d. beita dagsektum ef konan l\u00e6tur s\u00e9r ekki segjast vi\u00f0 \u00e1minningar og ef \u00fea\u00f0 dugar ekki til er h\u00e6gt a\u00f0 f\u00e1 a\u00f0sto\u00f0 l\u00f6greglu til a\u00f0 s\u00e6kja barni\u00f0. Af einhverjum \u00e1st\u00e6\u00f0um er \u00feessum \u00farr\u00e6\u00f0um afar sjaldan beitt svo \u00fea\u00f0 v\u00e6ri n\u00fa fr\u00f3\u00f0legt a\u00f0 vita hversu oft menn \u00ed \u00feessari a\u00f0st\u00f6\u00f0u leita a\u00f0sto\u00f0ar s\u00fdslumanns. \u00c6tli geti veri\u00f0 a\u00f0 \u00fea\u00f0 reyni svo sjaldan \u00e1 \u00feetta vegna \u00feess a\u00f0 pabbarnir klikka sj\u00e1lfir?<\/p>\n

Hafa \u00feessir pabbar raunverulega \u00e1huga?<\/strong><\/h4>\n

\u00c9g m\u00e6li ekki me\u00f0 kerfi sem au\u00f0veldar hefnigj\u00f6rnum konum a\u00f0 ey\u00f0ileggja samband barns og f\u00f6\u00f0ur en getur \u00fea\u00f0 kannski veri\u00f0 a\u00f0 sumir \u00feessarra fe\u00f0ra megi ekki vera a\u00f0 \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 taka barni\u00f0 \u00e1 ums\u00f6mdum t\u00edma og gangist svo upp \u00ed hlutverki p\u00edslarvotta \u00feegar \u00feeir geta ekki teki\u00f0 ge\u00f0\u00fe\u00f3tta\u00e1kvar\u00f0anir um \u00fea\u00f0 hvort og hven\u00e6r \u00feeir sinna barninu?<\/p>\n

\u00c9g spyr vegna \u00feess a\u00f0 \u00e9g hef svo oft r\u00e6tt vi\u00f0 menn sem halda \u00fev\u00ed fram a\u00f0 m\u00e6\u00f0urnar hafi komist upp me\u00f0 \u00fea\u00f0 \u00e1rum saman a\u00f0 neita \u00feeim um a\u00f0 sj\u00e1 b\u00f6rnin. Flestir eru \u00feeir \u00f3reglumenn og skortir stj\u00f3rn og \u00e1byrg\u00f0 \u00e1 flestum svi\u00f0um tilverunnar. F\u00e6stir \u00feeirra hafa nokkurnt\u00edma s\u00f3tt r\u00e9tt sinn (og r\u00e9tt barnanna au\u00f0vita\u00f0 en m\u00e9r finnst alveg \u00f3\u00fearfi a\u00f0 gera l\u00edti\u00f0 \u00far r\u00e9tti foreldra til barna sinna). „\u00dea\u00f0 er n\u00fa algj\u00f6rt ney\u00f0arr\u00farr\u00e6\u00f0i a\u00f0 fara me\u00f0 l\u00f6gregluvaldi inn \u00e1 heimili\u00f0“ er vi\u00f0kv\u00e6\u00f0i\u00f0 ef ma\u00f0ur spyr hversvegna \u00feeir s\u00e6ki ekki r\u00e9tt sinn.<\/p>\n

Umgengnist\u00e1lmanir eru ney\u00f0ar\u00e1stand<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Au\u00f0vita\u00f0 er \u00fea\u00f0 ney\u00f0ar\u00farr\u00e6\u00f0i. \u00c9g myndi ekki gera \u00fea\u00f0 sj\u00e1lf -nema au\u00f0vita\u00f0 ef einhver \u00e6tla\u00f0i a\u00f0 taka b\u00f6rnin m\u00edn fr\u00e1 m\u00e9r. Sl\u00edk a\u00f0sta\u00f0a v\u00e6ri \u00ed m\u00ednum huga ney\u00f0ar\u00e1stand og \u00e9g myndi aldrei l\u00e1ta \u00fea\u00f0 vi\u00f0gangast. \u00c9g myndi jafnframt gera b\u00f6rnunum grein fyrir \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 \u00e1byrg\u00f0in liggur hj\u00e1 \u00feeim sem br\u00fdtur l\u00f6gin en ekki \u00feeim sem s\u00e6kir r\u00e9tt sinn. \u00c9g hygg a\u00f0 flestar \u00feeirra \u00f6rf\u00e1u frekjud\u00f3sa sem reyna \u00ed alv\u00f6ru a\u00f0 hindra \u00e1byrga fe\u00f0ur \u00ed \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 hitta b\u00f6rnin s\u00edn, myndu l\u00e1ta s\u00e9r segjast ef \u00fe\u00e6r \u00e6ttu von \u00e1 \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 barni\u00f0 yr\u00f0i einfaldlega s\u00f3tt.<\/p>\n

D\u00e6mi um umgengnist\u00e1lmanir<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Annars er oftast h\u00e6gt a\u00f0 vinna svona m\u00e1l \u00e1n har\u00f0ra a\u00f0ger\u00f0a ef menn hafa virkilega \u00e1huga \u00e1 \u00fev\u00ed.<\/p>\n

Vinkona m\u00edn er forr\u00e6\u00f0islaus m\u00f3\u00f0ir. H\u00fan og barnsfa\u00f0ir hennar skildu \u00feegar barni\u00f0 var tveggja \u00e1ra. \u00deau bjuggu hvort \u00ed s\u00ednum landshluta og br\u00e1tt f\u00f3r a\u00f0 bera \u00e1 \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 pabbinn torvelda\u00f0i samskipti hennar vi\u00f0 barni\u00f0. T\u00edmasetningin henta\u00f0i honum alltaf illa \u00feegar h\u00fan vildi f\u00e1 barni\u00f0. Hann neita\u00f0i a\u00f0 senda drenginn til hennar me\u00f0 \u00e6ttingjum sem voru \u00e1 lei\u00f0 til hennar svo h\u00fan sj\u00e1lf a\u00f0 s\u00e6kja hann me\u00f0 tilheyrandi kostna\u00f0i. Hann l\u00e9t hana ekki vita \u00feegar hann dvaldi me\u00f0 barni\u00f0 \u00ed n\u00e1grenni vi\u00f0 hana \u00ed margar vikur, heldur komst h\u00fan a\u00f0 \u00fev\u00ed seinna a\u00f0 h\u00fan haf\u00f0i misst af t\u00e6kif\u00e6ri til a\u00f0 sj\u00e1 litla str\u00e1kinn sinn. \u00dea\u00f0 kom jafnvel fyrir a\u00f0 pabbinn var b\u00fainn a\u00f0 sam\u00feykkja a\u00f0 h\u00fan fengi a\u00f0 hafa barni\u00f0 \u00ed \u00e1kve\u00f0inn t\u00edma en h\u00e6tti svo vi\u00f0 klukkut\u00edma \u00e1\u00f0ur en flugv\u00e9lin \u00e1tti a\u00f0 fara \u00ed lofti\u00f0.<\/p>\n

Eftir tveggja \u00e1ra lei\u00f0indi s\u00e1 \u00feessi vinkona m\u00edn fram \u00e1 a\u00f0 \u00fea\u00f0 yr\u00f0i endalaust vesen fyrir hana a\u00f0 f\u00e1 barni\u00f0 til s\u00edn. H\u00fan h\u00e6tti samt ekki bara a\u00f0 hitta barni\u00f0. Au\u00f0vita\u00f0 ekki. H\u00fan leita\u00f0i til s\u00fdslumanns, h\u00fan r\u00e6ddi vi\u00f0 l\u00f6gfr\u00e6\u00f0ing, h\u00fan ger\u00f0i pabbanum grein fyrir \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 h\u00fan g\u00e6fist aldrei<\/em> upp og viti menn; eftir nokkurra m\u00e1na\u00f0a har\u00f0v\u00edtuga bar\u00e1ttu var skjalfestur samningur um l\u00e1gmarksumgengni.<\/p>\n

Heg\u00f0un sem l\u00f6g n\u00e1 ekki yfir<\/strong><\/h4>\n

Pabbinn h\u00e9lt \u00fe\u00f3 \u00e1fram a\u00f0 nota \u00f6ll t\u00e6kif\u00e6ri til a\u00f0 skapa lei\u00f0indi og \u00fe\u00f3tt \u00e1standi\u00f0 v\u00e6ri \u00ed or\u00f0i nokkurnveginn vi\u00f0unandi, var \u00fea\u00f0 ekki n\u00f3gu gott fyrir smekk vinkonu minnar. Suma heg\u00f0un n\u00e1 engin l\u00f6g yfir. Henni s\u00e1rna\u00f0i \u00feegar drengnum var kennt a\u00f0 kalla n\u00fdju k\u00e6rustu pabbans m\u00f6mmu. H\u00fan dug\u00f0i honum \u00e1g\u00e6tlega sem mamma sj\u00e1lf og auk \u00feess taldi h\u00fan \u00feetta \u00f3heppilegt fyrir barni\u00f0 \u00fear sem engin reynsla var komin \u00e1 sambandi\u00f0. H\u00fan var\u00f0 \u00feess v\u00f6r a\u00f0 f\u00f6\u00f0urf\u00f3lk barnsins tala\u00f0i um hana og hennar fj\u00f6lskyldu \u00e1 neikv\u00e6\u00f0um n\u00f3tum og sl\u00edkt n\u00e1 l\u00f6gin ekki yfir heldur. H\u00fan vildi l\u00edka helst geta hitt barni\u00f0 meira en samningur um l\u00e1gmarksumgengni kva\u00f0 \u00e1 um \u00e1n \u00feess a\u00f0 \u00feurfa a\u00f0 leggjast \u00e1 hn\u00e9n.<\/p>\n

\u00cd sta\u00f0 \u00feess a\u00f0 v\u00e6la um \u00fea\u00f0 hva\u00f0 pabbinn v\u00e6ri \u00f3sanngjarn, kom konan s\u00e9r sj\u00e1lf \u00ed a\u00f0st\u00f6\u00f0u til a\u00f0 umgangast barni\u00f0. H\u00fan flutti milli landshluta\u00a0\u00fe\u00f3tt \u00fea\u00f0 v\u00e6ri b\u00e6\u00f0i d\u00fdrt og erfitt og leig\u00f0i s\u00e9r \u00edb\u00fa\u00f0 eins n\u00e1l\u00e6gt heimili barnsins og h\u00fan gat. \u00dear sem sn\u00e1\u00f0inn \u00feurfti n\u00fa ekki einu sinni a\u00f0 fara yfir g\u00f6tu til a\u00f0 komast til hennar, f\u00f3r hann a\u00f0 venja komur s\u00ednar \u00feanga\u00f0 daglega. Pabbinn hef\u00f0i \u00feurft a\u00f0 vera fullkominn sk\u00edth\u00e6ll til a\u00f0 hindra \u00fea\u00f0 og au\u00f0vita\u00f0 kynntist barni\u00f0 m\u00f6mmu sinni of vel til a\u00f0 neikv\u00e6tt umtal n\u00e6\u00f0i a\u00f0 ey\u00f0ileggja samband \u00feeirra.<\/p>\n

\u00deegar drengurinn byrja\u00f0i \u00ed sk\u00f3la, hafna\u00f0i vinkona m\u00edn vel launa\u00f0ri vinnu og s\u00f3tti um vinnu sem sk\u00f3lali\u00f0i \u00ed \u00feessum sama sk\u00f3la. N\u00fana er h\u00fan \u00e1 launum (sk\u00edtalaunum a\u00f0 v\u00edsu en henni er alveg sama) vi\u00f0 a\u00f0 umgangast barni\u00f0 sitt og sennilega eru uppeldisleg \u00e1hrif hennar \u00e1 barni\u00f0 or\u00f0in alveg j\u00f6fn \u00feeim sem fa\u00f0irinn hefur.<\/p>\n

Hva\u00f0 m\u00e1 \u00fea\u00f0 kosta?
\n<\/strong><\/h4>\n

\u00c9g er ekki a\u00f0 r\u00e9ttl\u00e6ta kerfi sem setur f\u00f3lk \u00ed \u00fe\u00e1 a\u00f0st\u00f6\u00f0u a\u00f0 \u00feurfa a\u00f0 berjast fyrir b\u00f6rnunum s\u00ednum \u00e1 \u00feennan h\u00e1tt. \u00c9g bendi hins vegar \u00e1 a\u00f0 enginn sk\u00edth\u00e6lsh\u00e1ttur r\u00e9ttl\u00e6tir \u00fea\u00f0 a\u00f0 foreldri gefist upp \u00e1 \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 krefjast r\u00e9ttar til barna sinna. Svo \u00fei\u00f0 fe\u00f0ur sem l\u00e1ti\u00f0 eins og barnsm\u00e6\u00f0ur ykkar s\u00e9u kvenger\u00f0in af Halim Al en hafi\u00f0 samt aldrei sta\u00f0i\u00f0 \u00ed meiri bar\u00e1ttu en \u00feeirri a\u00f0 hringja \u00ed f\u00e9lag \u00e1byrgra fe\u00f0ra til a\u00f0 v\u00e6la, velti\u00f0 \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0eins fyrir ykkur hverju \u00fei\u00f0 eru\u00f0 raunverulega tilb\u00fanir til a\u00f0 f\u00f3rna.<\/p>\n

Ef m\u00f3\u00f0irin er \u00ed rauninni markvisst a\u00f0 reyna a\u00f0 ey\u00f0ileggja samband ykkar vi\u00f0 b\u00f6rnin, spyrji\u00f0 \u00fe\u00e1 sj\u00e1lfa ykkur hva\u00f0 \u00fei\u00f0 s\u00e9u\u00f0 rei\u00f0ub\u00fanir a\u00f0 leggja \u00e1 ykkur til a\u00f0 hindra hana \u00ed \u00fev\u00ed.<\/p>\n

Hversu m\u00f6rgum klukkut\u00edmum af vinnut\u00edma ykkar og fr\u00edt\u00edma vilji\u00f0 \u00fei\u00f0 f\u00f3rna til a\u00f0 r\u00e6\u00f0a vi\u00f0 l\u00f6gfr\u00e6\u00f0inga og standa \u00ed hr\u00fatlei\u00f0inlegri papp\u00edrsvinnu? Eru\u00f0 \u00fei\u00f0 tilb\u00fanir til a\u00f0 s\u00e6kja barni\u00f0 \u00e1 ums\u00f6mdum t\u00edma og sj\u00e1 til \u00feess a\u00f0 \u00fea\u00f0 bursti tennurnar og vinni heimaverkefnin s\u00edn, jafnvel \u00fe\u00f3tt \u00fea\u00f0 kosti \u00fea\u00f0 a\u00f0 \u00fei\u00f0 missi\u00f0 af landsleik e\u00f0a part\u00fdi? Eru\u00f0 \u00fei\u00f0 tilb\u00fanir til a\u00f0 segja n\u00fdju k\u00e6rustunni a\u00f0 h\u00fan s\u00e9 bara \u00fev\u00ed mi\u00f0ur ekki \u00ed fyrsta s\u00e6ti og \u00fea\u00f0 komi ekki til greina a\u00f0 sleppa \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 taka barni\u00f0 n\u00e6stu helgi af \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 Fluglei\u00f0ir bj\u00f3\u00f0i svo \u00f3d\u00fdra verslunarfer\u00f0 til \u00fatlanda bara n\u00fana?<\/p>\n

Ef barnsm\u00e6\u00f0ur ykkar eru svo illa innr\u00e6ttar a\u00f0 reyna a\u00f0 ey\u00f0ileggja samband ykkar vi\u00f0 b\u00f6rnin eigi\u00f0 \u00fei\u00f0 vissulega alla m\u00edna sam\u00fa\u00f0 en miki\u00f0 dv\u00ednar vir\u00f0ing m\u00edn ef \u00fei\u00f0 s\u00fdni\u00f0 ekki \u00fe\u00e1 karlmennsku a\u00f0 spyrna \u00e1 m\u00f3ti.<\/p>\n

———-<\/p>\n

\u00c1\u00f0ur birt \u00e1 Ann\u00e1l \u00feann 21. \u00e1g\u00fast 2003<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u00d3ttalega lei\u00f0ist m\u00e9r v\u00e6li\u00f0 \u00ed forr\u00e6\u00f0islausum fe\u00f0rum sem halda \u00fev\u00ed fram a\u00f0 m\u00f6mmurnar banni \u00feeim a\u00f0 umgangast b\u00f6rnin s\u00edn. 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