Upphaflega var \u00fea\u00f0 hugsa\u00f0 sem hefnd, \u00fea\u00f0 vi\u00f0urkenni \u00e9g fyrir \u00fe\u00e9r n\u00fana. Hefnd fyrir a\u00f0 hafa skeint \u00feig \u00e1 tilfinningum m\u00ednum, refsing fyrir a\u00f0 hafa afneita\u00f0 m\u00e9r gagnvart \u00f6\u00f0rum, r\u00e9tt eins og \u00fea\u00f0 v\u00e6ri skammarlegt a\u00f0 hafa sofi\u00f0 hj\u00e1 m\u00e9r. \u00de\u00fa \u00e1ttir a\u00f0 komast a\u00f0 raun um a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00fa hef\u00f0ir einmitt haft r\u00e9tt fyrir \u00fe\u00e9r, \u00e9g v\u00e6ri \u00ed raun og veru vamp\u00edra. \u00de\u00fa \u00e1ttir a\u00f0 gera \u00fe\u00e9r lj\u00f3st a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00fa v\u00e6rir, \u00e1 einhvern yfirn\u00e1tt\u00farulegan h\u00e1tt bundinn m\u00e9r \u00fea\u00f0 sem \u00fe\u00fa \u00e6ttir \u00f3lifa\u00f0. \u00de\u00fa \u00e1ttir a\u00f0 upplifa mig sem \u00f3gn\u00ferungi\u00f0 kynfer\u00f0islegt vald, vald sem v\u00e6ri margfalt sterkara en vilji \u00feinn, jafnvel sterkara en \u00e1st \u00fe\u00edn til Lilju. \u201c\u00c9g get veri\u00f0 hei\u00f0arlegur gagnvart henni\u201d sag\u00f0ir \u00fe\u00fa, en \u00e9g vissi betur.<\/p>\n
\u00c9g var vel undirb\u00fain \u00feegar \u00fe\u00fa komst. \u00c9g vissi n\u00e1kv\u00e6mlega hva\u00f0 \u00e9g \u00e6tla\u00f0i a\u00f0 gera og m\u00e9r lei\u00f0 afar vel \u00ed illsku minni. \u00c9g \u00feekkti \u00feig. \u00c9g vissi a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00fa k\u00e6mir of seint og \u00e9g vissi n\u00e1kv\u00e6mlega hve m\u00f6rgum m\u00edn\u00fatum of seint. \u00de\u00fa ert nefnilega alls ekki eins \u00f3\u00fatreiknanlegur og \u00fe\u00fa heldur.<\/p>\n
\u00c9g f\u00f3r \u00ed ba\u00f0, \u00e1 r\u00e9ttu augnabliki. \u00c9g m\u00e1la\u00f0i mig ekki. Ekkert m\u00e1tti benda til \u00feess a\u00f0 \u00e9g hef\u00f0i be\u00f0i\u00f0 \u00fe\u00edn me\u00f0 \u00f3\u00fereyju. \u00c9g veit a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00f3tt \u00e9g hef\u00f0i m\u00e1la\u00f0 mig, n\u00e6stum \u00f3s\u00fdnilega, bara til a\u00f0 l\u00edta \u00feokkalega \u00fat, hef\u00f0i \u00fea\u00f0 ekki blekkt \u00feig. \u00de\u00e1 hef\u00f0ir\u00f0u bara hugsa\u00f0 sem svo a\u00f0 \u00e9g v\u00e6ri l\u00edklega a\u00f0 reyna a\u00f0 l\u00e1ta l\u00edta svo \u00fat a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00fa skiptir mig litlu m\u00e1li. \u00deegar dyrabjallan hringdi bei\u00f0 \u00e9g ofurl\u00edti\u00f0 en f\u00f3r svo til dyra \u00ed hall\u00e6rislegum b\u00f3mullarn\u00e1ttkj\u00f3l. \u00c9g g\u00e6tti \u00feess a\u00f0 \u00feurrka m\u00e9r n\u00f3gu vel svo b\u00f3mullarefni\u00f0 blotna\u00f0i ekki. \u00dea\u00f0 hef\u00f0i liti\u00f0 kynfer\u00f0islega \u00fat og \u00fe\u00fa hef\u00f0ir dregi\u00f0 \u00e1lyktanir. H\u00e1ri\u00f0 \u00e1 m\u00e9r var hins vegar blautt eins og \u00e9g hef\u00f0i fl\u00fdtt m\u00e9r.<\/p>\n
\u00c9g ba\u00f0st afs\u00f6kunar \u00e1 \u00fatgangnum \u00e1 m\u00e9r og held a\u00f0 m\u00e9r hafi tekist a\u00f0 vera h\u00e6filega vandr\u00e6\u00f0aleg. \u00c9g sag\u00f0ist hafa fari\u00f0 \u00fat og tafist. \u00c9g v\u00e6ri bara r\u00e9tt n\u00fdkomin inn, hef\u00f0i haldi\u00f0 a\u00f0 \u00e9g hef\u00f0i misst af \u00fe\u00e9r og fari\u00f0 \u00ed sturtu … \u201c\u00c9g \u00e6tla a\u00f0 laga kaffi, svo fer \u00e9g \u00ed eitthva\u00f0 s\u00f3masamlegt\u201d. En svipur \u00feinn leyndi engu og \u00e9g vissi, me\u00f0an \u00e9g sneri baki \u00ed \u00feig og moka\u00f0i kaffinu \u00ed papp\u00edrspoka, a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00fa varst a\u00f0 velta \u00fev\u00ed fyrir \u00fe\u00e9r hvort \u00e9g v\u00e6ri nakin undir n\u00e1ttkj\u00f3lnum.<\/p>\n
\u00c9g var l\u00f6ngu b\u00fain a\u00f0 \u00e1kve\u00f0a framhaldi\u00f0. \u00c9g vissi a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00fa st\u00e6\u00f0ir upp. \u00c9g vissi a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00fa t\u00e6kir utan um mig um lei\u00f0 og \u00e9g kveikti \u00e1 kaffiv\u00e9linni. \u00c9g vissi a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00fa t\u00e6kir mig \u00ed eldh\u00fasinu, lykt af kaffi \u00ed loftinu og innan seilingar eldh\u00fassr\u00falla til a\u00f0 taka vi\u00f0 s\u00e6\u00f0inu . \u00dea\u00f0 sem \u00e9g vissi ekki var a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00fa t\u00e6kir upp \u00e1 \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 snerta \u00feennan litla blett aftan \u00e1 h\u00e1lsinum \u00e1 m\u00e9r, ofurvarlega me\u00f0 fingurg\u00f3munum. \u00dea\u00f0 sem \u00e9g vissi ekki var a\u00f0 \u00feessi eina snerting g\u00e6ti fali\u00f0 \u00ed s\u00e9r \u00fev\u00edl\u00edkt vald, a\u00f0 svona ofurl\u00edtil snerting v\u00e6ri megnug \u00feess a\u00f0 kalla fram \u00e1st, svo heita og dj\u00fapa a\u00f0 \u00f6ll m\u00edn fyrirlitning \u00e1 \u00fe\u00e9r kafna\u00f0i \u00ed henni.<\/p>\n
Undarlegt er a\u00f0 elska \u00feann sem ma\u00f0ur hatar. \u00c9g haf\u00f0i hugsa\u00f0 m\u00e9r a\u00f0 \u00e6sa \u00feig upp \u00ed einn t\u00edma e\u00f0a tvo, gera \u00feig stj\u00f3rnlausan, \u201cl\u00e1ta undan \u00fe\u00e9r\u201d og liggja svo vi\u00f0 hli\u00f0 \u00fe\u00e9r \u00e1 eftir og hl\u00e6ja h\u00e1\u00f0slega. \u00c9g \u00e6tla\u00f0i a\u00f0 segja \u201cN\u00fa? Hva\u00f0 ertu \u00fe\u00e1 a\u00f0 gera h\u00e9r, fyrst \u00fe\u00fa elskar hana svona miki\u00f0? \u00deykistu kannski \u00e6tla a\u00f0 segja henni fr\u00e1 \u00fev\u00ed? E\u00f0a \u00feykistu kannski ekki vilja s\u00e6ra hana? Eins og \u00fe\u00fa \u00fe\u00f3ttist ekki vilja s\u00e6ra mig? Ef \u00fe\u00fa elska\u00f0ir hana f\u00e6rir\u00f0u ekki \u00e1 bak vi\u00f0 hana, m\u00e1li\u00f0 er a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00fa \u00feorir ekki a\u00f0 segja henni \u00fea\u00f0. Gunga!\u201dOg \u00fe\u00e1 \u00e1ttir \u00fe\u00fa a\u00f0 l\u00edta \u00e1 mig me\u00f0 samblandi af s\u00e1rsauka og vi\u00f0bj\u00f3\u00f0i. \u00de\u00fa \u00e1ttir a\u00f0 kalla mig vamp\u00edru og fara svo heim til hennar. \u00de\u00fa \u00e1ttir a\u00f0 kveljast af sektarkennd og refsa sj\u00e1lfum \u00fe\u00e9r me\u00f0 \u00fev\u00ed a\u00f0 koma til m\u00edn aftur. Og aftur. \u00de\u00fa \u00e1ttir a\u00f0 \u00fer\u00e1 mig og hata \u00ed senn, eins og \u00e9g hef \u00fer\u00e1\u00f0 \u00feig og hata\u00f0.<\/p>\n
En \u00fea\u00f0 ger\u00f0ist ekki. Ekki \u00feannig. \u00de\u00fa raukst ekki \u00e1 mig og t\u00e6ttir utan af m\u00e9r f\u00f6tin. \u00de\u00fa misstir ekki stj\u00f3rn \u00e1 \u00fe\u00e9r og rei\u00f0st m\u00e9r til bl\u00f3\u00f0s \u00e1 eldh\u00fassg\u00f3lfinu. En \u00fe\u00fa snertir mig. S\u00e1l m\u00edna. Snertir \u00feennan blett, svona bl\u00ed\u00f0lega, varlega, fa\u00f0ma\u00f0ir mig a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00e9r og sag\u00f0ist hafa sakna\u00f0 m\u00edn.<\/p>\n
Undarlegt a\u00f0 hafa and\u00fa\u00f0 \u00e1 \u00feeim sem ma\u00f0ur elskar. Skr\u00fdti\u00f0 a\u00f0 snerta \u00feig eftir \u00f6ll \u00feessi \u00e1r. Mig hryllti vi\u00f0 \u00fe\u00e9r. St\u00f3\u00f0 stuggur af r\u00e1kunum sem eru komnar \u00e1 h\u00e1lsinn \u00e1 \u00fe\u00e9r. Fannst eins og \u00fe\u00e6r g\u00e6tu opnast. Eins og hver r\u00e1k v\u00e6ri dulb\u00fainn kjaftur sem g\u00e6ti opnast og biti\u00f0 mig. L\u00e6st \u00ed mig hv\u00f6ssum v\u00edgt\u00f6nnum og sogi\u00f0 \u00far m\u00e9r bl\u00f3\u00f0i\u00f0. \u00c9g \u00fdtti \u00feessari f\u00e1r\u00e1nlegu hugsun fr\u00e1 m\u00e9r. Sag\u00f0i sj\u00e1lfri m\u00e9r a\u00f0 h\u00e6tta \u00feessari vitleysu og loka\u00f0i augunum. Samt hryllti mig enn\u00fe\u00e1 vi\u00f0 \u00fe\u00e9r, \u00fev\u00ed \u00fe\u00fa varst breyttur. Haf\u00f0ir fitna\u00f0 ofurl\u00edti\u00f0 og eiginlega eins og \u00fe\u00fa hef\u00f0ir allur m\u00fdkst. H\u00f6rundi\u00f0 \u00f6\u00f0ruv\u00edsi en \u00e1\u00f0ur og h\u00e1ri\u00f0 ullarkenndara en \u00e9g mundi \u00fea\u00f0.<\/p>\n
\u00c9g veit a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00e9r lei\u00f0 eitthva\u00f0 l\u00edkt og m\u00e9r en af einhverjum \u00f3skiljanlegum ors\u00f6kum ur\u00f0um vi\u00f0 a\u00f0 reyna. M\u00e9r fannst lyktin af \u00fe\u00e9r yfir\u00feyrmandi. Svo \u00f3tr\u00falegt a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00fa v\u00e6rir s\u00e1 sami. Sami ma\u00f0ur \u00ed \u00f6\u00f0rum l\u00edkama. Fullor\u00f0inn ma\u00f0ur lyktar ekki eins og str\u00e1kur en samt varstu s\u00e1 sami og \u00e9g \u00fer\u00e1\u00f0i a\u00f0 finna \u00feig inni \u00ed m\u00e9r \u00fe\u00f3tt mig hryllti vi\u00f0 hverri snertingu. \u00de\u00fa varst \u00e1 svipinn eins og kenj\u00f3ttur krakki og kvarta\u00f0ir um a\u00f0 \u00e9g v\u00e6ri \u201callt of hrein\u201d. \u00c9g \u00e6tla\u00f0i a\u00f0 svara \u00fev\u00ed til a\u00f0 \u00e9g g\u00e6ti ekki a\u00f0 \u00fev\u00ed gert \u00fe\u00f3tt \u00e9g lykta\u00f0i \u00f6\u00f0ruv\u00edsi en Lilja en \u00e9g f\u00e9kk \u00fea\u00f0 ekki af m\u00e9r. Vildi ekki, m\u00e1tti ekki s\u00e6ra \u00feig. Kyssti \u00feig bara \u00e1 gagnauga\u00f0 og h\u00e9lt fast utan um \u00feig, sitjandi \u00e1 eldh\u00fassbor\u00f0inu. Kr\u00e6kti f\u00f3tunum utan um mitti\u00f0 \u00e1 \u00fe\u00e9r og kyssti r\u00e1kirnar \u00e1 h\u00e1lsinum.<\/p>\n
\u00de\u00e9r br\u00e1 \u00feegar \u00fe\u00fa snertir brj\u00f3stin \u00e1 m\u00e9r. \u00de\u00fa kunnir \u00feig ekki, spur\u00f0ir hva\u00f0 hef\u00f0i or\u00f0i\u00f0 af m\u00e9r. \u00de\u00e9r er margt betur lagi\u00f0 en almenn kurteisi. \u201cB\u00f6rnin \u00e1tu mig\u201d sag\u00f0i \u00e9g \u201c\u00e9g er ekki sautj\u00e1n \u00e1ra lengur. – Og reyndar ekki \u00fe\u00fa heldur\u201d b\u00e6tti \u00e9g vi\u00f0 og \u00fe\u00fa sag\u00f0ir ekkert meira. \u00c9g hr\u00ed\u00f0skalf. \u00de\u00fa spur\u00f0ir hvort m\u00e9r v\u00e6ri kalt en m\u00e9r var ekki kalt, heldur titra\u00f0i \u00e9g af hryllingsblandinni \u00fer\u00e1. \u201c\u00c9g mei\u00f0i \u00feig ekki\u201d sag\u00f0ir \u00fe\u00fa og \u00fe\u00e1 gat \u00e9g hlegi\u00f0 \u00fev\u00ed \u00e9g hef aldrei \u00f3ttast l\u00edkamlegan s\u00e1rsauka.<\/p>\n
\u00c1 \u00f6rf\u00e1um vikum yfirvann \u00e9g and\u00fa\u00f0ina \u00e1 l\u00edkama \u00fe\u00ednum. \u00c9g bara elska\u00f0i \u00feig. Elska\u00f0i hvern dr\u00e1tt \u00ed andliti \u00fe\u00ednu og gat legi\u00f0 t\u00edmunum saman me\u00f0 andliti\u00f0 grafi\u00f0 \u00ed ullarkennt h\u00e1ri\u00f0, bara til a\u00f0 finna af \u00fe\u00e9r lyktina. M\u00e9r \u00feykir venjulega v\u00e6nt um f\u00f3lk. \u00c9g g\u00e6ti d\u00e1i\u00f0 fyrir flesta sem \u00e9g tel til vina minna en \u00e9g hef\u00f0i jafnvel veri\u00f0 rei\u00f0ub\u00fain a\u00f0 lifa fyrir \u00feig.
\n\u00c9g hef\u00f0i gert allt fyrir \u00feig. \u00c9g sem \u00feoli hita svo illa, \u00e9g hef\u00f0i flutt me\u00f0 \u00fe\u00e9r til Afr\u00edku hef\u00f0ir\u00f0u vilja\u00f0 \u00fea\u00f0. Hef\u00f0ir\u00f0u fari\u00f0 fram \u00e1 a\u00f0 f\u00e1 a\u00f0 taka mig \u00ed rassgati\u00f0 hef\u00f0i \u00e9g sam\u00feykkt \u00fea\u00f0 \u00feegar \u00ed sta\u00f0. Og \u00e9g g\u00e6ti fyrirgefi\u00f0 \u00fe\u00e9r n\u00e1nast hva\u00f0 sem er. Skili\u00f0 allt, breytt yfir allt, umbori\u00f0 allt. \u00c9g kraf\u00f0ist n\u00e1nast einskis. Ekki einu sinni tr\u00fana\u00f0ar. Einskis, nema hei\u00f0arleika. \u201c\u00c9g g\u00e6ti ekki \u00feola\u00f0 a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00fa f\u00e6rir \u00e1 bak vi\u00f0 mig\u201d sag\u00f0i \u00e9g, \u201c\u00fea\u00f0 er \u00fea\u00f0 eina sem \u00e9g bi\u00f0 um, sj\u00e1lfri m\u00e9r til verndar. Er h\u00e6gt a\u00f0 bi\u00f0ja um minna?\u201d<\/p>\n
Seinna sag\u00f0ist \u00e9g vilja giftast \u00fe\u00e9r. \u201cAf hverju endilega m\u00e9r?\u201d sag\u00f0ir \u00fe\u00fa og \u00e9g svara\u00f0i \u00fev\u00ed til a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00fa v\u00e6rir breyskasta kvikindi sem \u00e9g hef\u00f0i kynnst. \u00c9g \u00feyrfti aldrei a\u00f0 fela neitt fyrir \u00fe\u00e9r. \u00c9g \u00feyrfti aldrei a\u00f0 skammast m\u00edn fyrir a\u00f0 l\u00e1ta \u00feig sj\u00e1 hvernig \u00e9g er \u00ed raun og veru. \u201c\u00c9g treysti \u00fe\u00e9r fyrir sj\u00e1lfri m\u00e9r\u201d sag\u00f0i \u00e9g og m\u00e9r fannst \u00feetta mj\u00f6g fallegt svar. \u00c9g er ekki viss um a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00e9r hafi \u00fe\u00f3tt \u00fea\u00f0 jafn fallegt.<\/p>\n
\u00de\u00fa hafna\u00f0ir m\u00e9r. Sag\u00f0ist elska Lilju. \u00c9g gr\u00e9t ekki en \u00e9g vorkenndi \u00fe\u00e9r \u00fe\u00f3tt \u00e9g g\u00e6tti \u00feess a\u00f0 l\u00e1ta \u00feig ekki sj\u00e1 \u00fea\u00f0. Veit a\u00f0 \u00fe\u00e9r hef\u00f0i \u00fe\u00f3tt \u00fea\u00f0 ni\u00f0url\u00e6gjandi. Elsku, hjartans fullor\u00f0ni Narkissusinn* minn sem aldrei hefur elska\u00f0 nokkurt kvikindi. Ekki einu sinni sj\u00e1lfan \u00feig. Ekki mig. Ekki Lilju. Hva\u00f0 ertu a\u00f0 gera h\u00e9r ef \u00fe\u00fa elskar hana? Hjartans kj\u00e1ninn minn sem aldrei hefur l\u00e6rt a\u00f0 elska l\u00edfi\u00f0. Sem elska\u00f0ir a\u00f0eins \u00feessa einu l\u00e9ttv\u00e6gu hli\u00f0 \u00feess, nautnina en gast aldrei fundi\u00f0 fulln\u00e6gjuna sem felst \u00ed vanabindingu hins raunverulega l\u00edfs. Og \u00fe\u00fa sem segist elska l\u00edfi\u00f0. Veistu \u00fe\u00e1 ekki a\u00f0 l\u00edfi\u00f0 er a\u00f0 h\u00e1lfu leyti lei\u00f0indi og vani? \u00deetta hugsa\u00f0i \u00e9g, en \u00e9g sag\u00f0i ekki neitt.<\/p>\n
\u00deegar \u00fe\u00fa komst til a\u00f0 kve\u00f0ja, rukum vi\u00f0 saman \u00e1 eldh\u00fassg\u00f3lfinu og t\u00e6ttum f\u00f6tin hvort utan af \u00f6\u00f0ru \u00ed h\u00f6mlulausri gr\u00e6\u00f0gi. \u00c1 eftir s\u00e1tum vi\u00f0 saman og reyktum miki\u00f0. Br\u00f6ltum svo inn \u00ed r\u00fam og h\u00e9ldum \u00e1fram \u00fear til vi\u00f0 ur\u00f0um n\u00e1nast \u00f6rmagna. \u00c9g hl\u00f3 g\u00f3\u00f0l\u00e1tlega, strauk \u00feumalfingri \u00e1st\u00fa\u00f0lega um gagnauga\u00f0 \u00e1 \u00fe\u00e9r og sag\u00f0i \u201cFlj\u00fag\u00f0u, fuglinn minn. \u00de\u00fa getur alltaf komi\u00f0 aftur. \u00c9g h\u00e6tti v\u00edst ekki a\u00f0 elska \u00feig \u00fe\u00f3tt \u00fe\u00fa s\u00e9rt sk\u00edth\u00e6ll.\u201d En \u00fe\u00e1, eins og af tilviljun, snertir\u00f0u \u00feennan blett. \u00deennan litla, litla blett aftan \u00e1 h\u00e1lsinum.<\/p>\n
Og \u00f3pi\u00f0 braust upp \u00far kvi\u00f0num. Skerandi. H\u00f6mlulaust. \u00de\u00fa haf\u00f0ir v\u00edst aldrei fyrr heyrt vamp\u00edru gr\u00e1ta og reyndir a\u00f0 hugga mig. Sag\u00f0ist jafnvel elska mig, eins sennilega og \u00fea\u00f0 n\u00fa hlj\u00f3ma\u00f0i. \u00deegar \u00fe\u00fa f\u00f3rst, skildir\u00f0u lykilinn eftir \u00e1 stofubor\u00f0inu.<\/p>\n
Er h\u00e6gt a\u00f0 bi\u00f0ja um eitthva\u00f0 minna en hei\u00f0arleika? Er h\u00e6gt a\u00f0 gera skelfilegri kr\u00f6fu?<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Upphaflega var \u00fea\u00f0 hugsa\u00f0 sem hefnd, \u00fea\u00f0 vi\u00f0urkenni \u00e9g fyrir \u00fe\u00e9r n\u00fana. Hefnd fyrir a\u00f0 hafa skeint \u00feig \u00e1 tilfinningum m\u00ednum, refsing fyrir a\u00f0 hafa afneita\u00f0 m\u00e9r gagnvart \u00f6\u00f0rum, r\u00e9tt eins og \u00fea\u00f0 v\u00e6ri skammarlegt a\u00f0 hafa sofi\u00f0 hj\u00e1 m\u00e9r. … Halda \u00e1fram a\u00f0 lesa